I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
