and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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