So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
