Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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