I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
