She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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