I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
