Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
