just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Farmville is her only friend.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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