dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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