Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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