I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
