Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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