Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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