We named our party play list daddy issues
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
