i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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