The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
