I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
