How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
