hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
