So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
