Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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