You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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