Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
