Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
