So gin and wine won't be happening again
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
