Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
