I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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