can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
