3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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