I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
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