Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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