I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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