the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
