How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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