I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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