This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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