I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
