First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
