Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I could make wine with my vomit
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
