Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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