So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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