you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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