I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
