i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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