Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
