I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
