I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
