Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
