I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
