i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
