Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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