what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
