He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I AM VODKA MAN
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
